When a positive is a negative

Last fall I went in to my ob-gyn for my check up. At the check up I also voiced my, new to me, irregularity of cycles. Usually I am very regular to the hour I always knew when my cycle would begin. Since having Jaiven, finishing breast feeding, trying the mini-pill (good while breast feeding) and deciding to end it, I couldn't seem to regulate a cycle. I have aways hated the pill! I figured the first few months had to be my body getting back on track. After 41 days of off and on spotting continuously I thought I should mention this to my Dr. at the check up. I also had a strange cramp or feeling of pressure on my right side near where my ovary would be. I have always been a glass is half full kind of girl so never ever would I consider myself a hypochondriac. I voiced this to my Dr. and how I just didn't know what it could be.
I didn't even want to go there but I reminded him that my Nana had ovarian cancer and that it makes me a little nervous with this type of pressure/bloating/spotting for 41 days. We went back over my family history. Mothers grandmother - breast cancer, mothers mother - ovarian cancer stage 4, mothers younger sister at age of 27 found a lump by 28 she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and after battling cancer with a mastectomy and rounds of radiation and chemo she passed at the age of 32. My moms youngest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer in the spring of 2008. After a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery and ovaries removed my aunt is a cancer survivor. My mom was told in 2009 that she needed to have the BRCA gene test done to verify her risk for her own health. She was informed she indeed have the gene BRCA 1 positive for mutation of breast, ovarian, uterine, pancreatic and colon cancers.
My mom did as she does best and bucked up, toughed it out and walked right out of that office and said nu-uh I don't think so! By the summer of 2010 after dodging her Dr.'s she was found cornered in an office with two gynecologists and an oncologist. Two of which took care of my youngest aunt while battling cancer. They came down hard on her asking what she was doing to herself, explained that she was just waiting for a lump to appear or some other sign or symptom and that once she actually has cancer she too would have to go through chemo and surgery to hopefully save her life. They explained to her that she did not have to wait for this to happen. She could take prophylactic measures to preserve her life. She would take her risk down from 90-95% down to 13%. This crushed my mom. I thought hey that's great, I don't want to watch you puke, lose your hair and have to recover from surgery all at the same time. Finally by the fall of 2010 my mom readied herself for surgery.
This past spring she went through excruciating surgery and is preparing to have her ovaries removed in the coming months. I am so glad that I don't have to worry every time my mom has a mammogram what the results could say. I am relieved.
Back to my appointment. I caught my Dr. up with my moms results, my aunts diagnosis and questions on if I should be concerned with this crazy cycle I was in. Hearing my moms positive results he told me not to go anywhere the appointment wasn't over and I was going to have the BRCA test done immediately. I've always been against it. I didn't want a statistic to tell me how I should live my life. I knew I was at risk but I didn't want numbers. I really wanted to slide off of that table and sneak out. I figure we could die in a car accident any day, whats that statistic? Still he wanted me to begin taking birth control again, something I was also against because while it decreases your ovarian risk it raises your breast risk. He also felt I may have poly cystic ovarian syndrome and that may also be helped with birth control pills. I reluctantly succumbed.
I was told that I would get my results in 2-3 weeks and that I could call the lab for my results. Being a nurse I should've known they wouldn't give me my results or at least it wouldn't be easy. For two long weeks I waited and I prayed. I did not want to have a positive test result. The before Thanksgiving I should have gotten my results. My results had been read but I was told my Dr. would contact me. Well it was Thanksgiving and all offices were closed.
By the following Monday I received my results straight from a personal phone call from my Dr. I wasn't ok. I cried, I felt like I had a label that was a sentence to an impending death. I had to remind myself that this doesn't mean I absolutely will get it but I only had a 40% of not getting it. I was working on an RN class at the time and how lovely for it to be over cancer. I couldn't focus, all I could think of was my number, 60%. I prayed, did what I knew would help or at least not add to my risk and began eating organic as much as possible. Pesticides have proven to be linked to cancer. I attempted to be more regular at exercise, still struggling with consistency.
Once Christmas came and passed and the new year began I felt like I had tucked it away decently and reminded myself yet again that God has my days numbered in His book, regardless of what 60% means. I do find comfort in that.
So why is this all coming back up? Well I'm on birth control just like my Dr. advised and I haven't had a cycle now in 4-5 months. That's ok, I don't mind not having cramps but I wonder what the heck is going on with my body! Oh and I have regrettably gained at least 10 lbs. That is not cool!!! I did have a bout with cupcakes in January early February but its been months. Exercise and healthy eating and that 10 isn't budging. Oh yeah some oral contraceptives can cause weight gain. Yea me! I work with a very trusted, highly intelligent and wonderfully trained ob-gyn. I decided I didn't want to make an appointment with my Dr for something that wasn't a concern and again I don't ever want to be a hypochondriac. So I asked this Dr., whom I love, if this was a concern. Whats her first question? Do you have a significant family health history? What does this mean to an obgyn? Yep I tell her I am BRCA positive. She is catching herself up with the history I've given and says did you get tested? Again I tell her yes, yes I did. She interrupts and asks if I have my results. I again say yes, yes I am BRCA 1 positive...but my question is why no period for so long and I'm not pregnant. She stops. She looks at me endearingly and says well it could be pill amenorrhea. Stopped periods because of the pill. But you should still have an ultrasound just to be safe. And I have patients waiting on me so I thank her and make my way out of the ever so uncomfortable nurses station. It was a private conversation that grew into a group conversation. While my co-workers tried to remain quiet their ears were perked. I had to get on with my day :) I don't do serious when I am the subject very well. So a couple of weeks later, still no period and a Dr. who every time looks at me like she can see this number visibly and who would probably would like to take me into an exam room just to check me over herself, I am reminded of how crappy this statistic is. How when I first found out I was a better advocate for health and how I have slowly crept back into a comfortable position of consuming bad chocolate (not that chocolate causes cancer, just lots of chocolate doesn't help weight) and a more than occasional Dr. Pepper or Coke.  This Dr. is so very caring and compassionate so I don't mind her bringing it back up because I can see her care for me. She again the last time I worked with her told me I need my ovaries out, same as what my Dr. said and my moms Dr. told me during my moms surgery, and that I need to either have more kids or not. I explained I am young, I'm 27 and I can't make that decision. She asks me again, what was your aunts age? 27. I can't help but think of her circumstance and how her 2 children were the same age as mine. And then I can't help but picture her at my cousins 4th birthday with her scarf on her head slightly hiding her baldness. I am not her, I know.
I however, was a person who, I am sorry forgive me, was a smoker through all of the teenage years and thankfully quit shortly after being saved. I was someone who could care less if she took in any cancer causing agent to now looking at every package for aspartame. So I guess where I find myself now is, do I continue this oral contraceptive that I can't stand to lower my ovarian risk by 10% or say forget it and get off of it. I really can't stand it. I've gained weight, had some break outs, find myself feeling like PMS, then not.
And this history does again push me to be super healthy, "green" and so very thankful for the days God has given me. I am so thankful that I can watch my boys grow, that I can be a support to my loving husband and be so thankful that I am decently healthy. Why take one day for granted? We are not promised one breath. I have no control of my future so I choose to live this day for Christ, to live joyously as much as this flesh allows,  and be so thankful for the life God has given me.
Psalm 39:4,5 "Lord, make me to know my end and [to appreciate] the measure of my days--what it is; let me know and realize how frail I am [how transient is my stay here].
 Behold, You have made my days as [short as] handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing in Your sight. Truly every man at his best is merely a breath! Selah [pause, and think calmly of that]!" Amplified

Appetites

The sermon on Sunday at CrossBridge Community Church presented by Chris Dillashaw was pretty awesome. It covered the story of Jacob and Esau and how that relates to what we exchange for Gods calling.
Genesis 25:29-34 was related to what we trade our birthright, Gods calling, for an appetite. Jacob gained inheritance into Gods kingdom and Esau received soup...soup? Yes, soup! He was hungry, he was impulsive, he wanted soup, now!
Chris pointed out the problems and common appetites we Americans share. One of these problems was that we are never satisfied. Heard that word!
Possible appetites are as follows:
1. love and acceptance
2. progress
3. responsibility
4. fame
5. things
Of these five, I resonate with two of them. Hold on this may take a second to type out for fear of my having to acknowledge it....love and acceptance. eee...ugh... Hate the way that sounds. And that would be another problem the Lord is shinning his ever bright light on, pride. The second appetite I resonated with was progress. These two go together for me. If I make great progress then I will be loved and accepted. Even if that is self acceptance and self love. If I show progress in whatever area (school/nursing/humility/knowledge of the word, etc.) then I will be worthy of love and acceptance. Yuck, yuck, yuck!!! Excuse me I may have to pause. This is horrible I know!
However, still I know that I want Christ to grow in me. I want to make room for what He would have in my life. That means I have to lay all of that yucky stuff down. I have to, as Chris stated "reject the call of this world". I have to realize what it really means to be a child of God! I am NOT a child of me, I am NOT a child of accomplishments, I am NOT a child of whatever degree of success, I AM A CHILD OF GOD! Yes, Chris got just about as dramatic as that.
I want to live in freedom and victory however long this process of sanctification may be. I am realizing that each year it really is something new and sometimes a revisit to heal. Maybe this is just a part of denial but I've never thought myself as a people pleaser. At least I didn't quite feel that way before my new life in Christ. Interesting stuff we learn as new creations in Christ, ha! Even so, I know my Lord loves me, guides me, protects me, and has sovereignly chosen me to be His!
I'll also throw out there My Utmost For His Highest daily devotional was right on today too, matter of fact so was Streams in the Desert for anyone who reads those. God speaks loud sometimes, I just need more clarity of what His divine will is when they all seem so good for His glory...
Yep pretty true, out there, raw stuff. So easy does it on judgements, pretty vulnerable at this point. At least let this be for His glory and sanctifying work in me!
Acts 20:32 "And now I commend you to God and to the word of his grace, which is able to build you up and to give you the inheritance among all those who are sanctified."

Here is a link to the sermon, I encourage whoever stumbles upon this to listen and really let Gods Spirit speak to your heart. www.crossbridgecommunitychurch.com click resource page for sermons, also found on itunes.

DE-CLUTTER!!!!

My idea has always been "a clean home is a clean mind". Somehow that changes when you have more than one child. Well its tough with one and then add another and a puppy and well there goes the neighborhood. Somehow I can only keep up with keeping a semi clean kitchen and living room, never mind my closets. So today is the day...master bedroom closet...going down! Watch out Sean I'm on a de-clutter everything track of mind. Ahhh already I feel so much better!
We moved in this home in November of 2005 and this has actually been the longest I've lived somewhere in over 12 years? That's a lot of clutter to collect! While moving is never fun, it sure keeps down on the amount of stuff you acquire.
So back to de-cluttering....

Oh me....

So much to say so little thought organization!
For one I am still enjoying vacation time with my family. Sean and I just got back from a great retreat, just the two of us. We have't been just the two of us for more than 24 hours in over 4 years! It was bliss!!! Initially I don't think we knew how to handle ourselves...think Braveheart "FREEDOM!!!!"
Still very nice to get home and love on my babies. I missed them like crazy and was filled with love and joy just to cuddle them.
Also new this week was purchasing Caiden's uniform and gathering more info from SACS. I am excited for him to attend Christian school but at the same time I still have in the back of my mind the homeschooling concept. Ugh... I am not a homeschooler. I have what feels like little control over my household but still the thought of am I making a good decision flares up. I love that SACS has sports and school pride, God pride. I don't know how I could cultivate that some kind of school pride team work here in the home. I realize private school has its own host of issues but Sean and I always have said either homeschool or private. I've always "X'd" the homeschool option. But somehow the anti-homeschooler I that I am, I am secretly trying to see how I could possibly make that work. Just thoughts people...just thoughts....
And to top that one off, I'm trying to figure out just why I am working. I love my job! Being a nurse and helping new and scared moms, helping sometimes sick babies, working with the people that I do. I love it! But really if I didn't work my home would save money and allow Sean to bring in more than what his and my pay combined bring in. Why am I doing this??? I love it! Pride? Could pride be tied to this? Thats the story of my life, go figure! As it is I only work 2 days. 2 long days but still I get to escape the confines of these four walls. Initially when I started work I definitely felt like God led me there. I was licensed to practice nursing and why wouldn't I use that license? Right now I see it as I have experience and my kiddos little lives keep going. They are growing fast and I want to make sure I never miss a thing! Whether thats in their private school functions or if I am their teacher I don't want to be absent from the time they wake up to the time the sleep even if it is 2 days. But then I could justify and say its only 2 day its not that bad :) Truly these have been my thoughts for over a couple of months but I hate the thought of leaving my hospital and well buying Caiden's uniforms and checking his event calendar may have overwhemed me. Oh Lord help me! And this is why this blog is titled journey through my thoughts because it sure is a journey!
Ahhh its out! I think I feel better. Oh yes, and prayers are much appreciated.
Excuse any grammatical errors or typos. I'm new at this ;)