When a positive is a negative

Last fall I went in to my ob-gyn for my check up. At the check up I also voiced my, new to me, irregularity of cycles. Usually I am very regular to the hour I always knew when my cycle would begin. Since having Jaiven, finishing breast feeding, trying the mini-pill (good while breast feeding) and deciding to end it, I couldn't seem to regulate a cycle. I have aways hated the pill! I figured the first few months had to be my body getting back on track. After 41 days of off and on spotting continuously I thought I should mention this to my Dr. at the check up. I also had a strange cramp or feeling of pressure on my right side near where my ovary would be. I have always been a glass is half full kind of girl so never ever would I consider myself a hypochondriac. I voiced this to my Dr. and how I just didn't know what it could be.
I didn't even want to go there but I reminded him that my Nana had ovarian cancer and that it makes me a little nervous with this type of pressure/bloating/spotting for 41 days. We went back over my family history. Mothers grandmother - breast cancer, mothers mother - ovarian cancer stage 4, mothers younger sister at age of 27 found a lump by 28 she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and after battling cancer with a mastectomy and rounds of radiation and chemo she passed at the age of 32. My moms youngest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer in the spring of 2008. After a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery and ovaries removed my aunt is a cancer survivor. My mom was told in 2009 that she needed to have the BRCA gene test done to verify her risk for her own health. She was informed she indeed have the gene BRCA 1 positive for mutation of breast, ovarian, uterine, pancreatic and colon cancers.
My mom did as she does best and bucked up, toughed it out and walked right out of that office and said nu-uh I don't think so! By the summer of 2010 after dodging her Dr.'s she was found cornered in an office with two gynecologists and an oncologist. Two of which took care of my youngest aunt while battling cancer. They came down hard on her asking what she was doing to herself, explained that she was just waiting for a lump to appear or some other sign or symptom and that once she actually has cancer she too would have to go through chemo and surgery to hopefully save her life. They explained to her that she did not have to wait for this to happen. She could take prophylactic measures to preserve her life. She would take her risk down from 90-95% down to 13%. This crushed my mom. I thought hey that's great, I don't want to watch you puke, lose your hair and have to recover from surgery all at the same time. Finally by the fall of 2010 my mom readied herself for surgery.
This past spring she went through excruciating surgery and is preparing to have her ovaries removed in the coming months. I am so glad that I don't have to worry every time my mom has a mammogram what the results could say. I am relieved.
Back to my appointment. I caught my Dr. up with my moms results, my aunts diagnosis and questions on if I should be concerned with this crazy cycle I was in. Hearing my moms positive results he told me not to go anywhere the appointment wasn't over and I was going to have the BRCA test done immediately. I've always been against it. I didn't want a statistic to tell me how I should live my life. I knew I was at risk but I didn't want numbers. I really wanted to slide off of that table and sneak out. I figure we could die in a car accident any day, whats that statistic? Still he wanted me to begin taking birth control again, something I was also against because while it decreases your ovarian risk it raises your breast risk. He also felt I may have poly cystic ovarian syndrome and that may also be helped with birth control pills. I reluctantly succumbed.
I was told that I would get my results in 2-3 weeks and that I could call the lab for my results. Being a nurse I should've known they wouldn't give me my results or at least it wouldn't be easy. For two long weeks I waited and I prayed. I did not want to have a positive test result. The before Thanksgiving I should have gotten my results. My results had been read but I was told my Dr. would contact me. Well it was Thanksgiving and all offices were closed.
By the following Monday I received my results straight from a personal phone call from my Dr. I wasn't ok. I cried, I felt like I had a label that was a sentence to an impending death. I had to remind myself that this doesn't mean I absolutely will get it but I only had a 40% of not getting it. I was working on an RN class at the time and how lovely for it to be over cancer. I couldn't focus, all I could think of was my number, 60%. I prayed, did what I knew would help or at least not add to my risk and began eating organic as much as possible. Pesticides have proven to be linked to cancer. I attempted to be more regular at exercise, still struggling with consistency.
Once Christmas came and passed and the new year began I felt like I had tucked it away decently and reminded myself yet again that God has my days numbered in His book, regardless of what 60% means. I do find comfort in that.
So why is this all coming back up? Well I'm on birth control just like my Dr. advised and I haven't had a cycle now in 4-5 months. That's ok, I don't mind not having cramps but I wonder what the heck is going on with my body! Oh and I have regrettably gained at least 10 lbs. That is not cool!!! I did have a bout with cupcakes in January early February but its been months. Exercise and healthy eating and that 10 isn't budging. Oh yeah some oral contraceptives can cause weight gain. Yea me! I work with a very trusted, highly intelligent and wonderfully trained ob-gyn. I decided I didn't want to make an appointment with my Dr for something that wasn't a concern and again I don't ever want to be a hypochondriac. So I asked this Dr., whom I love, if this was a concern. Whats her first question? Do you have a significant family health history? What does this mean to an obgyn? Yep I tell her I am BRCA positive. She is catching herself up with the history I've given and says did you get tested? Again I tell her yes, yes I did. She interrupts and asks if I have my results. I again say yes, yes I am BRCA 1 positive...but my question is why no period for so long and I'm not pregnant. She stops. She looks at me endearingly and says well it could be pill amenorrhea. Stopped periods because of the pill. But you should still have an ultrasound just to be safe. And I have patients waiting on me so I thank her and make my way out of the ever so uncomfortable nurses station. It was a private conversation that grew into a group conversation. While my co-workers tried to remain quiet their ears were perked. I had to get on with my day :) I don't do serious when I am the subject very well. So a couple of weeks later, still no period and a Dr. who every time looks at me like she can see this number visibly and who would probably would like to take me into an exam room just to check me over herself, I am reminded of how crappy this statistic is. How when I first found out I was a better advocate for health and how I have slowly crept back into a comfortable position of consuming bad chocolate (not that chocolate causes cancer, just lots of chocolate doesn't help weight) and a more than occasional Dr. Pepper or Coke.  This Dr. is so very caring and compassionate so I don't mind her bringing it back up because I can see her care for me. She again the last time I worked with her told me I need my ovaries out, same as what my Dr. said and my moms Dr. told me during my moms surgery, and that I need to either have more kids or not. I explained I am young, I'm 27 and I can't make that decision. She asks me again, what was your aunts age? 27. I can't help but think of her circumstance and how her 2 children were the same age as mine. And then I can't help but picture her at my cousins 4th birthday with her scarf on her head slightly hiding her baldness. I am not her, I know.
I however, was a person who, I am sorry forgive me, was a smoker through all of the teenage years and thankfully quit shortly after being saved. I was someone who could care less if she took in any cancer causing agent to now looking at every package for aspartame. So I guess where I find myself now is, do I continue this oral contraceptive that I can't stand to lower my ovarian risk by 10% or say forget it and get off of it. I really can't stand it. I've gained weight, had some break outs, find myself feeling like PMS, then not.
And this history does again push me to be super healthy, "green" and so very thankful for the days God has given me. I am so thankful that I can watch my boys grow, that I can be a support to my loving husband and be so thankful that I am decently healthy. Why take one day for granted? We are not promised one breath. I have no control of my future so I choose to live this day for Christ, to live joyously as much as this flesh allows,  and be so thankful for the life God has given me.
Psalm 39:4,5 "Lord, make me to know my end and [to appreciate] the measure of my days--what it is; let me know and realize how frail I am [how transient is my stay here].
 Behold, You have made my days as [short as] handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing in Your sight. Truly every man at his best is merely a breath! Selah [pause, and think calmly of that]!" Amplified